#24

Mixed emotions took a toll on me last night.

Tears shed for the first time in a long time awhile. The disappointment in having to hear his nonsenses and his behavior on crucial things in life. At that moment, i swear i lost all hopes in him. i was utterly hurt by the fact he could only care of himself, his needs rather than the plans and thoughts we have put in for our future benefits.

And in the wee hours of the night, we didn't catch on our sleep. He urge that i stay awake with him, which i did eventually on 2 conditions ; FOOD & MOVIE.

No one is as ANNOYING as he is, to the extend of me hating his presence in my life ; as IRRITATING as he is, to the extend of making me hate my own body ; as DEMANDING as he is, to have me at his back and call ; as RUDE as he is, to have me scold vulgar as and when provoke ; as PLAYER as he is, to have me cry my hearts out at night and made me believe all guys are the same.

FOR EVERY BAD DEEDS OR STUFFS HE DID, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING HE DID RIGHT. I CAN'T NAME IT ALL BUT HE IS HOW HE IS, I CAN NEVER CHANGE THAT.

#23

Monday never been this blue before.

Before the weekend, i was happy like a child who just got ice cream. For once, i just felt free ; free from commitments, free from life. And i would do anything to re-live that day again.

It was a tough weekend, but i managed to pull through. With the preparation for the open house, the great company that came by and the cranky partner who had to made it worse. And to top it off, the other number was discovered.

And there were moments that happen during the weekends, they are something i just have to share. Well, elly being elly is extremely forgetful.

But i would have to conclude that today, monday would be the worse. I was really looking forward to the messages, the giggles behind the phone and to feel at ease when spoken to.

Maybe i forgot, maybe i was day-dreaming again; but there and then, i felt it was only the two of us.. i miss you.

#22

If there is something in life I could re-live ; without a doubt, it would be my secondary schools days. 

I want to remember being a child, being carefree with friends who always there no matter whatever class we are in. Study hard, play hard and enjoy life. And there's one thing I would like to experience during those days. It's the puppy loves; or perhaps a first true love story or maybe a true first kiss. But who am I to kid ? Things that happen in dramas don't happen to average people like myself. But that don't change my current yet present life path. 

I don't regret. But somehow I feel that I've missed out on something. Maybe it's enjoyment, purpose, freedom. One thing that's for certain, the future awaits. No matter how hard or high, I'll take on whatever life path has to throw. With faith and hope, I'll be just fine. 

#20

It's another troubled night.

The sudden quietness that fills the air and that so awkward feeling each time I sit by myself in a corner.

My mind instantly flew back to those days that I would stay up late, have some giggles & laugh ; that butterflies in my tummy kinda feeling. I miss those moments, it's just too quiet now.

What more, I feel like a bird locked up in a cage. To follow command and speak when told, this is utterly depressing.

Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Goodnight now.

#19

After that rough weekends, that's all I needed.

Enough of tears and heartache. The laughter, tidbits, hugs & pictures made me smile for a better reason in life which are for those people that stand by me regardless of how many times I fall or fail.

It has been most probably 3months since new year. Though it was merely minutes, it brought me back to being me and not melodramatic over issues of the heart.

I could never thank enough for their presence and friendship the last 9years. Despite losing contact in between ITE days, syukur alhamdulilah for we crossed each other paths again. In shaa Allah , this time round it's gonna last. Amin~

#18

The heart cracks a little every single day. As it gets closer and closer, I fear even more.

I can't help but feel so helpless and empty. It's like the old wound has miraculously open up again. And in that wound ; lay jealousy, fear, anger etc.

To see the spouse act that way ; constantly on his phone, checking those other girls, no more random calls or smses to keep him company. Makes me wonder why most men are similar ?

Though it maybe mutual to him but how do I lie to myself about his doings and at times knowing the fact itself of what's happening ? I am bound to do something stupid, act like a brat and demand attention but he hardly understand and would always says I'm somewhat something wrong somewhere.

Feeling lost, wandering aimlessly. Not knowing who to turn to ; who will be there to standby me and who will be there to watch me crumble & fall ?

#17

here i am again.

that bestie, the only one who i've ever truly cared for. i have the slightest idea that things will get this messy. After 2years and this is always happening to the friendship ; my final straw.

Reasons why we are always argued as that bestie claims to care for my well-being so as for belle's. Everyone knows how much i never and hardly take advices especially when it comes to my marriage or money etc. if i was given a choice to speak, maybe i'll might just take it and act on it.

it is sad to see this friendship sink as any other friendships i ever hold. but i have no choice, i can't always try to please that bestie. despite being there for that bestie when he went abroad and was out of love, down in the dumps.


i'm just pretty confused right now. and when i'm at my most vulnerable, i am my worst.

#16

I'm here to write, to express what I'm keeping within me that's hurting so much.

Before we had that talk, a part of me always warn me to be wary. Because that part of me knew that things ought to repeat itself. And so I shared this thought/feelings to a couple of close friends.

And today, we had a talk while having dinner. A pretty random one that totally ruin my night, my urge to eat.

It was that very thing I dread most. The most hurtful thing that he can even do and get away with it without any guilty charges. And so I popped the question , for how much longer is this gonna last? He replied, as cool as anything ; forever.

At that moment, I froze. I thought to myself, I chose this life right ? I knew this is gonna happen right ? A leopard will never change right ? What's the need to lose weight and look good when he won't appreciate me ?

Again, with all my heart I regretted. But maintain my mood as I don't wanna ruin his. I don't wanna start fighting, arguing like the old time ; enough was enough.

Though he explained himself for his doings. I still can't accept the fact of him going back to where it all started. It's like I don't give him enough, it's like I don't satisfy his needs. It's depressing.

#15

Today was that day. The day I thought I would dread the most. But I'm afraid I was wrong.

After the hearing and knowing the duration, his reactions. Instantly, my heart dropped. I thought, I hoped and i shall pray that he would take this as a learning lesson and change for good. I really can't bear for things to be the way it was back then.

And at this very moment, my mind drifted to the bestfriend, the heart-trob that's over at UK. Because I was informed that he has decided to stay there if they request him to. I can't help but cried. For I don't know if I'll be able to still contact him and for the fact that I'll miss his smile, his company and mainly him.

This is gonna be tough. And suddenly, my not-to-distant future is dark all over again.

#14 - delayed entry

It's the last Friday, 28th September. It has been two weeks since the spouse been in detention, a week since the bestfriend flew to his destination, UK.
It's tough. Missing two people in life at the same time, the heartache I have to bear.

The weekends at mom's couldn't be any better! Both me and belle were there since Friday night. We went to swimming and the mini birthday of lil'niece.

What made my day more, would be the unexpected calls from the bestfriend! I swear, it made me smile till the next morningggg. I was the happiest girl that night and fat sisters could only tease me to make me smile, blush even more!

#13

It's Monday.
The blues didn't kicked in today. Emotions, moods changed since last night. Skyped with the bestfriend, though it was short and brief. Just thinking about our little session with my shy little girl puts a wide smile on my face. It was nice to hear bestfriend voice and see that adorable bestfriend, busy as always with his vibrating blackberry.

Work was ordinary, stayed till late with all the handover and new tasks added since the girl is resigning. Seeing pictures after pictures on the screensaver, I find myself stalking and notifications just made it worse! Not forgetting, the customised clock I made so to know what time is it over at London.

Looking at the situations, getting myself stress. Without someone to talk to, I don't know how am I going to survive this few months. Just gotta breath and hopefully with prayers, things will get better.

Visiting the spouse this coming Wednesday. I don't know what to expect, what's the outcome.

#12

Today. My heart feels heavy, I don't wanna leave jurong and head over to toapayoh. Because I know, I'm only gonna miss the hubby and the bestfriend more while I'm over there.
It's obvious as the fat sisters looked at me and said that my facial expression states it all.

I really need someone to talk. So to take my mind of matters, simply talk anything under the stars and not to touch anything about my stress issues. With ice creams, chocolates and red velvets (;

Miss those two, really hurts and my heart is aching.

#11

Putting as much emotions aside, when notifications from him pops up. Smiled when I know he's safe and already at his destination.

Spent the day with family at jurong without my dearest and a problem had to surface when mom woke up this morning. As she scolded me for everything I didn't do, i only cried after it all. Strong, maybe ?

It was quiet today and it will remain this way for awhile. I couldn't be bother to open Facebook, whatsapp or even twitter. Nothing to update, no one to talk to ; even if there was, it would be all for the wrong reasons.

Night fall and I got a whatsapp from the bestfriend. Yes, I was happy and thrilled! But I didn't show, even lil'sissy asked and wondered.

I miss you but I won't say.

#10

Realised something.

I'll stop hoping and just wait for your return.

Hey, I'm sorry for making it awkward between us if I did. I should try and control my emotions. It's gonna hurt really bad but I guess I should try. And keep it as bestfriend only~
I hope the best for you. I'll keep you in my prayers, I always will.
Bcz you matter and I really don't wanna lose you in any ways.

#09

The bestfriend left for UK, last night. I was upset, I missed him already. Left him whatsapp after whatsapp. Still no reply, the heart aches so much and still , I believe he should spend time with his family and friends. Didn't wanna bother him much even after sisters, girlfriend pester me to call him or something.

I did spend my evening with him two evenings ago. Hugs, kisses and more. It couldn't be better. Promised to be a good girl while he's there. I just hope he comes back to SG and still contact me. Otherwise, I'll be so devastate.

When he left; looked at his pictures, keep checking for any reply from him like a lovesick puppy. Cried and cried, when I know he has flown off to his destination. Last night, I slept looking at his picture on my phone. Ironically, I dreamt of him; he called me the moment he touches down. It made me smile for a moment there.

#08

Last entry was in march.
This would be the place I shall confide when I miss the bestfriend. I have nowhere else to turn.

My crush, my bestfriend; Riduwan aka Swift 1. We had this ' friendship ' for 1 year plus. It began when I started working with Allenbryans, I remember it started somewhere in April. He claimed to be single; he was concerned, he was friendly, he's adorable and what more, he's musically talented.

We met up a couple of times, at the mrt station. We chatted, we hugged, we laughed. Until that faithful day we went out and soon after, he went mia.
Through Facebook, I found out he was attached. I was hurt, my crush for him died down.

After so long.. If I wasn't mistaken, we met again for dinner over at Macdonalds. One, two months later. I became officially a wife ; yet again he went mia.

He contacted again. And we went out more. We did laughed, talked and was there for each other. Now, the crush is back. Deeper than before.

#07

It's getting harder and even worse now.

Nevermind, i can't explain myself. This facade is made not to fool anyone, no one else was suppose to be part of the plan to begin with. it all started in 2010. When my partner was out, knowing girls and meeting them while i'm stuck working my ass off. My purpose of doing do is only to get closer to him and know how he feels about me and everything. He found out about it this year.

I closed the account and i never wanted to contact anyone. but somehow, i got bored as he went out with his friends, clubbing and such while i stayed at home ; through 'Her' i get my momentary happiness, love and be stress-free. I know this sound sick, retarded and i should be cursed for breaking good guys' hearts. i don't deserve any of these i know. There would be times, when i asked myself ; What If?

I really didn't intend to know and make them fall. ironically, most of the time.. they goes for the looks ; tell me who doesn't? Hmpft!

Danial Nor Irfan, i didn't know that he was a family-friend to my cousin and i saw him twice, thrice already. I really didn't mean to hurt such a cute-looking guy ; what more, let everyone in my family of this embarrassing thing that i do.
Afiq Asnawi, I didn't know that it's the afiq i saw at fitness first club. I only realized it's him until he said that his name was afiq and everything just adds up. He's the most adorable guy ever and i know how much he loves 'her'.

Tell me that my feelings ain't genuine for these two guys? Tell me that i didn't fell for them like how they fell for 'her' though it's whole different person but it's still the me deep inside. It's hard for me, i broke their hearts. and i supposed whatever im facing in life now is the punishment for being defiant to my parents and breaks good guys' heart. I can say that i regret every single thing i've chose to be in my life. And the only way is to repent, never repeat. It's tough.

#06

As day goes by, it's getting harder and harder to keep up with the facade.

Garfield seems like he's no longer interested and has given up. Sighhh~ again, I broke his heart and there's no way I can make it up to him anymore. Dear just so you know. I love you, I really did and I still do. Im sorry it has to be like this and it's best we contact as friend rather than you find out about this facade that I've played. What worse is that you know me and my family plus everything else )': I'll miss smiling with your jokes and listening to your cute sexy voice. Take care danial nor irfan, xoxo.

And now, there's afiq asnawi aka royale ace. Sighhh~ dia pun lagi satu. He has fallen so much that he wants only her and no one else. He will wait and keep waiting. I'm sorry , but I'll have to break it up to you soon. I rather you find someone really. And I'll close that account momentarily or for good. I can't go around breaking people's hearts and most importantly they are a bunch of good guys )'; I'm sorry your love story have to end like this . And I like you a lot, remember you'll find someone worthy of your time and love, not her. xoxo.

#05

I don't know how to explain my feelings.

I don't know if wanna continue with the facade that I made a year ago. Because of this one guy, Garfield is what I call him (: He's the cutest, friendest and adorable guy I've ever met or known. He wasn't suppose to be the target of this facade but...

Now, I've fallen for him and he too has fallen. I can tell that he loves 'her' only that he's being caution due to previous relationship and I don't blame him at all. I'm afraid to tell him the truth and I'll never declare who 'her' really is. Ohmyyy. What have I gotta myself into )':

I don't wanna break his heart, I know that his girl friend is interested in her and I really don't wanna lose my reasons to smile and giggle ): and I don't want him to find out the hard way, he will be do disappointed.

Please believe me. Tho' it's not all that true. Feelings for you is there.. Sighhhhh~ I'm sorry, I really don't wanna hurt you. You're too nice of a guy to be treated like this. )': if only you knew but I guess, you wont

#04

Are you sure of the message you texted me yestarday . Are you really gonna try hard to save this hanging relationship .

A part of me , i'm somewhat pleased that things might take a change for itself but at the same time, i'm like ' IS HE FOR REAL? ' Not to be a bitch but i've noticed the changes in him these past days .

I know , deep down . He's still hoping for a chance , the slightest of chance to be reunited with his old flame . i don't blame him really . Who am i to judge or be mad? He never promise to marry me . He just said ; i'll help you with this child and help you overcome this pregnancy .

I don't know if i'm making the right choice . i'm not confident myself . But i'm just going ahead with the plans of the marriage , i'm left with no other option bcz he's not letting me end this relationship . sighhhh ~