#33

As they rejoice, smile and laughed. They deserve it; they did well for their exams as well as their OJT. Here I am, feeling happy for them yet I wonder to myself if I could have done better 5 years ago. Maybe things would be different but it won’t change anything at all.

I want to go back to school; I want to achieve more in life. There are goals in life I set aside for myself but, everything else comes first before me.

Pondering, wandering and feeling under the weather. Oh, I can’t help it but feel sorry for myself. But I guess, I have to accept it anyways. Like the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.

#32

Days like these, I wished you noticed, you cared and maybe you would thank me for the little things. But its otherwise, I don't blame you 'cause you might be having a rough time.

I don't beg for your attention, I don't urge for you to devote your 24/7. I just want you to say something, tell me something or share with me about work however, not in that angry tone of voice; don't take it out on me.

Maybe it’s my hormones cause menses is about due. Maybe I don’t take noticed myself but I am trying my hardest to understand and communicate with you even when you don’t say anything at all and when you put on that fit. And sometimes, my hardest just isn’t hard enough for you.

My happiness is in your hands. Though you’re not my remedy, you were once my misery. I pray for those days to never come again. I know you have your moments but please, I am confused because one day, you’re so loving and caring; the next day, you’re all cold and heated up.

#32

Let me ponder and wander off into wonder and I’ll find my way back again, to the reality I am used to. Just like flying to Neverland to play with Peter Pan and the Pirates.

My incapability of saying no has haunted me ever since I was young. I was afraid of rejection and I was also afraid of hurting the other party. Hence it leads to all the bad choices, the wrong turns, the regrets I have in life. Even up to date, I am still afraid.

The tendency to want and break free will always linger in my head. It’s not that I am too young; it’s not that I am unhappy. Maybe that little space in my heart aches from time to time, it needs to find something that would soften me up and accept facts of life that I am supposed to be where I am right now. From where I am standing, I have everything in life anyone can ask for. Happiness, pain, sadness are just part and parcels of life, everyone goes through a different kind of cycles.

Allah SWT will only put you through obstacles that HE knows we could overcome. Nothing is ever too hard or too easy because everyone is given a different path of life. From time to time, I get remarks and praises. I am grateful that I have the strength to go through so much, from my dark childhood to my delusional teenage years and now, adulthood which consists of marriage & motherhood.

Assalamualaikum.

#31

i am not seeking for a remedy. i am not seeking for love either. i'll give friendship another chance cz if i get another heartbreak, i'll take my leave.

i had enough heartbreaks to last me a lifetime. my plate of commitments is overwelhmeing, i couldn't possibly add more to it. i have an overly demanding partner that keeps me on the edge of my seat, i have a little girl i have to raise, i have my family who are always out of sight but always at heart and my friends who i am around but hardly there.

i would love some freedom, some peace and quiet but i can't afford it. Thus, i always wonder how would life be if things were different, so much different. And what have i ever done in my lifetime to deserve all this tests from Allah SWT.

I guess, i will never know but to just keep my head up and walk the path i've chose because i came this far, it is just no way to turn back anymore. it's been 5 years, coming 6 years.

#30

could things get any worse? yea, it could. it has already started to.

I'm tired. you could blame me for everything i've forgotten, everything that i was supposed to do but didn't and even everything else that wasn't my doing. though it seems unfair to me, maybe it is to you.

Days like this, i wished i have a time machine to go back and make sure something just didn't happen that way. with all my heart, i regret feeling like this and behaving this way.

If there's ever anything i could to do or say, i would but right now, i think crying is the best solution cz i don't wanna make a molehill into a volcano. Ever though it's already messed up, i don't need anymore bullshits.

#29

come over here and talk to me,

i can help if you're feeling blue,

i can comfort and soothe your pain.

who cares if i'm sad too,

i can tell you it will work out,

and that things will be alright.

nevermind the pain i feel, as i fall asleep each night.

if he has hurt your heart, and you think that he's the one,

i can go and talk to him.

 it doesn't matter what i've become,

if there is a problem at home, or if your friends have lied,

its not your problem that my eyes burn,

from all the tears i've cried.

i can give a shoulder to cry on, and provide a caring ear,

for you to pour your soul out.

i'll take away any fear,

but never mind my broken heart, who cares if i want to die,

it doesn't matter what i feel, as long as you don't cry.

From & By : A friend, H.

#28

Love novels, Korean dramas turns me into a hopeless romantic once again (: Once before i ever wish upon a star that maybe someday, there would be a charming man that would be the remedy to my misery. Naive, right ? I am still that same naive little girl but only now, i'm all grown up, i know what's out there in the big world.

It was a mistake to think differently after the countless conclusions i ever got doing the same old, trying to find someone to talk to. It only lead to one thing, that one thing alone.

Slowly, gradually. Things in life, it's picking itself up and arranging for me to see brighter thus better of what to expect. I got a mister waiting for me at home. Nope, he's no remedy to my misery neither is he the cause to my misery anymore. And there's also my little angel, she's who is pampered brat yet she's the one who put a smile on my face.

I'm afraid of what people are gonna say of us, of me. But somehow, i guess i couldn't be that bothered cz i got it all there in that little family.

Even if this is all but a dream, my imagination. Please let it stay this way.

#27

I see dark skies these days. i have no idea when the sun will shine again.

For the past few days or weeks, troubled water got worse. i fear for what seems so close yet so far. I am overwhelmed with responses that i've never felt in a long while. Truly, i am scared.

Just like how a leopard never changes it spots to how a lizard changes colour to protect itself. i see nothing has changed.

i wish i still had someone to talk to these days.

#26

As stated. 
i never should have trusted a piece of my heart to anyone else. 

To be honest, it's a huge mistake that i will never learn from. Because deep inside, i know that maybe i deserve to be happy in life. However, i am tested through so much obstacles that i might end up hurting myself in seeking what i may or may not need.

# 25

today is the last day i would text you.

Nothing can sum up how i feel right now, it is as though i've lost a little piece in my heart. i am sorry if i intrude your life and if i've ruin the 'happy-mode' you must be in for your wedding is drawing near.

I guess i will never learn, i guess i am naive enough to believe that maybe things could be different this time round. But who am i kidding right?

To heal from this minor setback will still take awhile. Well, i am used to his charms and everything else like his text, he is forever concerned and always attentive. And yes, i am attracted to him emotionally.

Oh why did i get myself tangled with a gemini??

#24

Mixed emotions took a toll on me last night.

Tears shed for the first time in a long time awhile. The disappointment in having to hear his nonsenses and his behavior on crucial things in life. At that moment, i swear i lost all hopes in him. i was utterly hurt by the fact he could only care of himself, his needs rather than the plans and thoughts we have put in for our future benefits.

And in the wee hours of the night, we didn't catch on our sleep. He urge that i stay awake with him, which i did eventually on 2 conditions ; FOOD & MOVIE.

No one is as ANNOYING as he is, to the extend of me hating his presence in my life ; as IRRITATING as he is, to the extend of making me hate my own body ; as DEMANDING as he is, to have me at his back and call ; as RUDE as he is, to have me scold vulgar as and when provoke ; as PLAYER as he is, to have me cry my hearts out at night and made me believe all guys are the same.

FOR EVERY BAD DEEDS OR STUFFS HE DID, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING HE DID RIGHT. I CAN'T NAME IT ALL BUT HE IS HOW HE IS, I CAN NEVER CHANGE THAT.

#23

Monday never been this blue before.

Before the weekend, i was happy like a child who just got ice cream. For once, i just felt free ; free from commitments, free from life. And i would do anything to re-live that day again.

It was a tough weekend, but i managed to pull through. With the preparation for the open house, the great company that came by and the cranky partner who had to made it worse. And to top it off, the other number was discovered.

And there were moments that happen during the weekends, they are something i just have to share. Well, elly being elly is extremely forgetful.

But i would have to conclude that today, monday would be the worse. I was really looking forward to the messages, the giggles behind the phone and to feel at ease when spoken to.

Maybe i forgot, maybe i was day-dreaming again; but there and then, i felt it was only the two of us.. i miss you.

#22

If there is something in life I could re-live ; without a doubt, it would be my secondary schools days. 

I want to remember being a child, being carefree with friends who always there no matter whatever class we are in. Study hard, play hard and enjoy life. And there's one thing I would like to experience during those days. It's the puppy loves; or perhaps a first true love story or maybe a true first kiss. But who am I to kid ? Things that happen in dramas don't happen to average people like myself. But that don't change my current yet present life path. 

I don't regret. But somehow I feel that I've missed out on something. Maybe it's enjoyment, purpose, freedom. One thing that's for certain, the future awaits. No matter how hard or high, I'll take on whatever life path has to throw. With faith and hope, I'll be just fine. 

#20

It's another troubled night.

The sudden quietness that fills the air and that so awkward feeling each time I sit by myself in a corner.

My mind instantly flew back to those days that I would stay up late, have some giggles & laugh ; that butterflies in my tummy kinda feeling. I miss those moments, it's just too quiet now.

What more, I feel like a bird locked up in a cage. To follow command and speak when told, this is utterly depressing.

Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Goodnight now.

#19

After that rough weekends, that's all I needed.

Enough of tears and heartache. The laughter, tidbits, hugs & pictures made me smile for a better reason in life which are for those people that stand by me regardless of how many times I fall or fail.

It has been most probably 3months since new year. Though it was merely minutes, it brought me back to being me and not melodramatic over issues of the heart.

I could never thank enough for their presence and friendship the last 9years. Despite losing contact in between ITE days, syukur alhamdulilah for we crossed each other paths again. In shaa Allah , this time round it's gonna last. Amin~

#18

The heart cracks a little every single day. As it gets closer and closer, I fear even more.

I can't help but feel so helpless and empty. It's like the old wound has miraculously open up again. And in that wound ; lay jealousy, fear, anger etc.

To see the spouse act that way ; constantly on his phone, checking those other girls, no more random calls or smses to keep him company. Makes me wonder why most men are similar ?

Though it maybe mutual to him but how do I lie to myself about his doings and at times knowing the fact itself of what's happening ? I am bound to do something stupid, act like a brat and demand attention but he hardly understand and would always says I'm somewhat something wrong somewhere.

Feeling lost, wandering aimlessly. Not knowing who to turn to ; who will be there to standby me and who will be there to watch me crumble & fall ?

#17

here i am again.

that bestie, the only one who i've ever truly cared for. i have the slightest idea that things will get this messy. After 2years and this is always happening to the friendship ; my final straw.

Reasons why we are always argued as that bestie claims to care for my well-being so as for belle's. Everyone knows how much i never and hardly take advices especially when it comes to my marriage or money etc. if i was given a choice to speak, maybe i'll might just take it and act on it.

it is sad to see this friendship sink as any other friendships i ever hold. but i have no choice, i can't always try to please that bestie. despite being there for that bestie when he went abroad and was out of love, down in the dumps.


i'm just pretty confused right now. and when i'm at my most vulnerable, i am my worst.

#16

I'm here to write, to express what I'm keeping within me that's hurting so much.

Before we had that talk, a part of me always warn me to be wary. Because that part of me knew that things ought to repeat itself. And so I shared this thought/feelings to a couple of close friends.

And today, we had a talk while having dinner. A pretty random one that totally ruin my night, my urge to eat.

It was that very thing I dread most. The most hurtful thing that he can even do and get away with it without any guilty charges. And so I popped the question , for how much longer is this gonna last? He replied, as cool as anything ; forever.

At that moment, I froze. I thought to myself, I chose this life right ? I knew this is gonna happen right ? A leopard will never change right ? What's the need to lose weight and look good when he won't appreciate me ?

Again, with all my heart I regretted. But maintain my mood as I don't wanna ruin his. I don't wanna start fighting, arguing like the old time ; enough was enough.

Though he explained himself for his doings. I still can't accept the fact of him going back to where it all started. It's like I don't give him enough, it's like I don't satisfy his needs. It's depressing.