It's another troubled night.
The sudden quietness that fills the air and that so awkward feeling each time I sit by myself in a corner.
My mind instantly flew back to those days that I would stay up late, have some giggles & laugh ; that butterflies in my tummy kinda feeling. I miss those moments, it's just too quiet now.
What more, I feel like a bird locked up in a cage. To follow command and speak when told, this is utterly depressing.
Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Goodnight now.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
#19
After that rough weekends, that's all I needed.
Enough of tears and heartache. The laughter, tidbits, hugs & pictures made me smile for a better reason in life which are for those people that stand by me regardless of how many times I fall or fail.
It has been most probably 3months since new year. Though it was merely minutes, it brought me back to being me and not melodramatic over issues of the heart.
I could never thank enough for their presence and friendship the last 9years. Despite losing contact in between ITE days, syukur alhamdulilah for we crossed each other paths again. In shaa Allah , this time round it's gonna last. Amin~
Enough of tears and heartache. The laughter, tidbits, hugs & pictures made me smile for a better reason in life which are for those people that stand by me regardless of how many times I fall or fail.
It has been most probably 3months since new year. Though it was merely minutes, it brought me back to being me and not melodramatic over issues of the heart.
I could never thank enough for their presence and friendship the last 9years. Despite losing contact in between ITE days, syukur alhamdulilah for we crossed each other paths again. In shaa Allah , this time round it's gonna last. Amin~
Monday, March 4, 2013
#18
The heart cracks a little every single day. As it gets closer and closer, I fear even more.
I can't help but feel so helpless and empty. It's like the old wound has miraculously open up again. And in that wound ; lay jealousy, fear, anger etc.
To see the spouse act that way ; constantly on his phone, checking those other girls, no more random calls or smses to keep him company. Makes me wonder why most men are similar ?
Though it maybe mutual to him but how do I lie to myself about his doings and at times knowing the fact itself of what's happening ? I am bound to do something stupid, act like a brat and demand attention but he hardly understand and would always says I'm somewhat something wrong somewhere.
Feeling lost, wandering aimlessly. Not knowing who to turn to ; who will be there to standby me and who will be there to watch me crumble & fall ?
I can't help but feel so helpless and empty. It's like the old wound has miraculously open up again. And in that wound ; lay jealousy, fear, anger etc.
To see the spouse act that way ; constantly on his phone, checking those other girls, no more random calls or smses to keep him company. Makes me wonder why most men are similar ?
Though it maybe mutual to him but how do I lie to myself about his doings and at times knowing the fact itself of what's happening ? I am bound to do something stupid, act like a brat and demand attention but he hardly understand and would always says I'm somewhat something wrong somewhere.
Feeling lost, wandering aimlessly. Not knowing who to turn to ; who will be there to standby me and who will be there to watch me crumble & fall ?
Sunday, March 3, 2013
#17
here i am again.
that bestie, the only one who i've ever truly cared for. i have the slightest idea that things will get this messy. After 2years and this is always happening to the friendship ; my final straw.
Reasons why we are always argued as that bestie claims to care for my well-being so as for belle's. Everyone knows how much i never and hardly take advices especially when it comes to my marriage or money etc. if i was given a choice to speak, maybe i'll might just take it and act on it.
it is sad to see this friendship sink as any other friendships i ever hold. but i have no choice, i can't always try to please that bestie. despite being there for that bestie when he went abroad and was out of love, down in the dumps.
i'm just pretty confused right now. and when i'm at my most vulnerable, i am my worst.
that bestie, the only one who i've ever truly cared for. i have the slightest idea that things will get this messy. After 2years and this is always happening to the friendship ; my final straw.
Reasons why we are always argued as that bestie claims to care for my well-being so as for belle's. Everyone knows how much i never and hardly take advices especially when it comes to my marriage or money etc. if i was given a choice to speak, maybe i'll might just take it and act on it.
it is sad to see this friendship sink as any other friendships i ever hold. but i have no choice, i can't always try to please that bestie. despite being there for that bestie when he went abroad and was out of love, down in the dumps.
i'm just pretty confused right now. and when i'm at my most vulnerable, i am my worst.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
#16
I'm here to write, to express what I'm keeping within me that's hurting so much.
Before we had that talk, a part of me always warn me to be wary. Because that part of me knew that things ought to repeat itself. And so I shared this thought/feelings to a couple of close friends.
And today, we had a talk while having dinner. A pretty random one that totally ruin my night, my urge to eat.
It was that very thing I dread most. The most hurtful thing that he can even do and get away with it without any guilty charges. And so I popped the question , for how much longer is this gonna last? He replied, as cool as anything ; forever.
At that moment, I froze. I thought to myself, I chose this life right ? I knew this is gonna happen right ? A leopard will never change right ? What's the need to lose weight and look good when he won't appreciate me ?
Again, with all my heart I regretted. But maintain my mood as I don't wanna ruin his. I don't wanna start fighting, arguing like the old time ; enough was enough.
Though he explained himself for his doings. I still can't accept the fact of him going back to where it all started. It's like I don't give him enough, it's like I don't satisfy his needs. It's depressing.
Before we had that talk, a part of me always warn me to be wary. Because that part of me knew that things ought to repeat itself. And so I shared this thought/feelings to a couple of close friends.
And today, we had a talk while having dinner. A pretty random one that totally ruin my night, my urge to eat.
It was that very thing I dread most. The most hurtful thing that he can even do and get away with it without any guilty charges. And so I popped the question , for how much longer is this gonna last? He replied, as cool as anything ; forever.
At that moment, I froze. I thought to myself, I chose this life right ? I knew this is gonna happen right ? A leopard will never change right ? What's the need to lose weight and look good when he won't appreciate me ?
Again, with all my heart I regretted. But maintain my mood as I don't wanna ruin his. I don't wanna start fighting, arguing like the old time ; enough was enough.
Though he explained himself for his doings. I still can't accept the fact of him going back to where it all started. It's like I don't give him enough, it's like I don't satisfy his needs. It's depressing.
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