#41

Look at the situation and I wonder to myself. As everyone I know are upgrading themselves, changing for the better, at a better stage in life; where am i? Comparing me to others is something I seldom do but when I do, it eats a little part of me. It bring tears to my eyes when my sisters asked what about me, aren’t I doing anything for myself. It sets me thinking and wondering where did I go wrong?

Let me tell you of my dreams and wishes as a child or right now at the present moment; there’s a list, not long-winded one but there’s a few.

As a child I wanted to grow up into a happy adult and when I have kids, I want he/her to be happy too; not the way I see my life as a child. I have always wanted to be happy.

#40

Confession night has taken it toll on me.

The mixture of feelings I felt when he mentioned things he hid from me.  I was dumbfounded for the fact that what I thought was just a mutual and ordinary friendship appears otherwise. I don’t know what else is real and what’s not.

It is said that when you married the opposite gender, he/she is supposedly to be your better half or he/she is to complete you; making you whole. But us, we are poles apart!

#39

Hey blog.

How long has it been? I suppose it has been about a month three days or so. I have loads to write down, loads more for me to ponder and let my feelings out. It is definitely not healthy in any ways for me to keep locked in me. But i see no one i can share this thoughts and feelings with. 

They said that it's ramadan. It's a pure and holy month for us to test our hunger, our faith, our strength and our tolerance. With all my heart, i wished i was all i was better than i used to, i was more tolerant that i used to. But as i grew stronger, the amount of pressure and stress multiple that i would gladly surrender in defeat.

During this month, i've fasted and prayed to be a better person but He just had to ruin all the goodness that i felt. The anger and frustrations that he made me feel and how he made me feel of myself. The number of times, he made me cried and sobbed for things he would pick on which didn't really matter on a wide scale. For all the things he said to me that mentally and emotionally abused me, there's no form of communication around it. It seems to me that things has taken a change for the worse when i thought he has changed but i was wrong.

And add to that, it has been awhile since i last saw my family and work has been pretty much a pain. I'm on the verge of tears that leaves me in such a confused stated. I wish i had someone to cry on, talk to and laugh with. Even if it is momentarily, at least i have a bubble to keep me happy when i am not at home. Cause' even when he is around, it'd only pain me even more to be around his company.

#38

hey blog.

It's been 2 months already. I've neglected this blog for my dark little secrets and i've private this blog to hide my identity since i posted my pictures here. once or twice. oh well~

And i'm back bcz problems are getting way out of hand. i'm on the verge of tears while at work, it's no longer the same with him; even nightly sessions are not the same.

I am in such distress and i am in need of someone to talk to but i have no one in mind to speak of this sensitive issues with. i don't want to be judge by my fellow family members and friends.

#37

Although i put on that smile, that little brave front each time i have to face you. Truthfully, I'm breaking from within.

With all due respect, i don't mean to cause anymore stress or remorse to you. i know that you're just being you and you don't intend for me to live broken hearted. However, you fail to see how much it hurts and what's worse, you don't know how it feels especially when i have to be okay about it and try my hardest to smile, not letting that tear drop from the brink of my eye. That feeling itself, breaks my heart.

My problem is you. Shall we go back in time to count how many times have you left me high and dry, crying and broken hearted. Anything you say will not account for why i feel this manner, its as complicated as it can be. The only thing left for me is to learn from what happened then and prepare myself.

So meanwhile,the only place i seek refuge is this blog. the only place i believe not many i know read my sorrows, my pain. Otherwise, i rather be anywhere else but in the house, when you're not around.

#36

2 months, so much has happened.

I've been a good wife, a naughty girl, a wanton women and a protective mother. There were good days, bad days and days i wish i wasn't alive.

A good wife. I've always tried my hardest to be at his back and call. But ironically, there will always be one tiny thing that piss him off. Things haven't be good, i just lost my only awesome privilege ; my Sony Z1. Of all things, my phone had to be sold off. Because he overspend, i am to pay for it. And im missing it like crazy.

A naughty girl. I've lied, just so i could spend an advance birthday with the family. Presents that bought me to tears and presents that put a smile on my face. it was worth the lie, i won't mind.

A wanton women. I'm not pious, i have my days when i let my hair down and do a little that no one would expect of me. Well, i'm no good girl. i have an alter ego which i don't seldom let it out to play. And on those days, i just let lose and be awesome about what i do.

A protective mother. Days i wish, my little girl would just listen to me. i can't blame here. She's all big and stomping around the house like she own the territory. With all my heart, i wish i could apply what i learn.. some day.

#34

It's been awhile dear blog.

Something are best left unsaid. Matters of the heart are never safe.

I worry for myself. I want to cry with all my heart, I don't know why does it always seem like it's my fault.

Oh Allah Swt, please give me the strength to overcome this but how am I going to face this alone by myself. I fear for what is in store.

What the future holds, I don't know but I see dark clouds.