#42

Dear Diary.

I am in utter mess. 

I desperately need my sanity back. Life is too much for my little fragile heart. I've been put through so much this past two weeks. It's getting tougher and boy, how i wish i could give up and raise the white flag.

#41

Look at the situation and I wonder to myself. As everyone I know are upgrading themselves, changing for the better, at a better stage in life; where am i? Comparing me to others is something I seldom do but when I do, it eats a little part of me. It bring tears to my eyes when my sisters asked what about me, aren’t I doing anything for myself. It sets me thinking and wondering where did I go wrong?

Let me tell you of my dreams and wishes as a child or right now at the present moment; there’s a list, not long-winded one but there’s a few.

As a child I wanted to grow up into a happy adult and when I have kids, I want he/her to be happy too; not the way I see my life as a child. I have always wanted to be happy.

#40

Confession night has taken it toll on me.

The mixture of feelings I felt when he mentioned things he hid from me.  I was dumbfounded for the fact that what I thought was just a mutual and ordinary friendship appears otherwise. I don’t know what else is real and what’s not.

It is said that when you married the opposite gender, he/she is supposedly to be your better half or he/she is to complete you; making you whole. But us, we are poles apart!

#39

Hey blog.

How long has it been? I suppose it has been about a month three days or so. I have loads to write down, loads more for me to ponder and let my feelings out. It is definitely not healthy in any ways for me to keep locked in me. But i see no one i can share this thoughts and feelings with. 

They said that it's ramadan. It's a pure and holy month for us to test our hunger, our faith, our strength and our tolerance. With all my heart, i wished i was all i was better than i used to, i was more tolerant that i used to. But as i grew stronger, the amount of pressure and stress multiple that i would gladly surrender in defeat.

During this month, i've fasted and prayed to be a better person but He just had to ruin all the goodness that i felt. The anger and frustrations that he made me feel and how he made me feel of myself. The number of times, he made me cried and sobbed for things he would pick on which didn't really matter on a wide scale. For all the things he said to me that mentally and emotionally abused me, there's no form of communication around it. It seems to me that things has taken a change for the worse when i thought he has changed but i was wrong.

And add to that, it has been awhile since i last saw my family and work has been pretty much a pain. I'm on the verge of tears that leaves me in such a confused stated. I wish i had someone to cry on, talk to and laugh with. Even if it is momentarily, at least i have a bubble to keep me happy when i am not at home. Cause' even when he is around, it'd only pain me even more to be around his company.

#38

hey blog.

It's been 2 months already. I've neglected this blog for my dark little secrets and i've private this blog to hide my identity since i posted my pictures here. once or twice. oh well~

And i'm back bcz problems are getting way out of hand. i'm on the verge of tears while at work, it's no longer the same with him; even nightly sessions are not the same.

I am in such distress and i am in need of someone to talk to but i have no one in mind to speak of this sensitive issues with. i don't want to be judge by my fellow family members and friends.

#37

Although i put on that smile, that little brave front each time i have to face you. Truthfully, I'm breaking from within.

With all due respect, i don't mean to cause anymore stress or remorse to you. i know that you're just being you and you don't intend for me to live broken hearted. However, you fail to see how much it hurts and what's worse, you don't know how it feels especially when i have to be okay about it and try my hardest to smile, not letting that tear drop from the brink of my eye. That feeling itself, breaks my heart.

My problem is you. Shall we go back in time to count how many times have you left me high and dry, crying and broken hearted. Anything you say will not account for why i feel this manner, its as complicated as it can be. The only thing left for me is to learn from what happened then and prepare myself.

So meanwhile,the only place i seek refuge is this blog. the only place i believe not many i know read my sorrows, my pain. Otherwise, i rather be anywhere else but in the house, when you're not around.

#36

2 months, so much has happened.

I've been a good wife, a naughty girl, a wanton women and a protective mother. There were good days, bad days and days i wish i wasn't alive.

A good wife. I've always tried my hardest to be at his back and call. But ironically, there will always be one tiny thing that piss him off. Things haven't be good, i just lost my only awesome privilege ; my Sony Z1. Of all things, my phone had to be sold off. Because he overspend, i am to pay for it. And im missing it like crazy.

A naughty girl. I've lied, just so i could spend an advance birthday with the family. Presents that bought me to tears and presents that put a smile on my face. it was worth the lie, i won't mind.

A wanton women. I'm not pious, i have my days when i let my hair down and do a little that no one would expect of me. Well, i'm no good girl. i have an alter ego which i don't seldom let it out to play. And on those days, i just let lose and be awesome about what i do.

A protective mother. Days i wish, my little girl would just listen to me. i can't blame here. She's all big and stomping around the house like she own the territory. With all my heart, i wish i could apply what i learn.. some day.

#34

It's been awhile dear blog.

Something are best left unsaid. Matters of the heart are never safe.

I worry for myself. I want to cry with all my heart, I don't know why does it always seem like it's my fault.

Oh Allah Swt, please give me the strength to overcome this but how am I going to face this alone by myself. I fear for what is in store.

What the future holds, I don't know but I see dark clouds.

#33

As they rejoice, smile and laughed. They deserve it; they did well for their exams as well as their OJT. Here I am, feeling happy for them yet I wonder to myself if I could have done better 5 years ago. Maybe things would be different but it won’t change anything at all.

I want to go back to school; I want to achieve more in life. There are goals in life I set aside for myself but, everything else comes first before me.

Pondering, wandering and feeling under the weather. Oh, I can’t help it but feel sorry for myself. But I guess, I have to accept it anyways. Like the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.

#32

Days like these, I wished you noticed, you cared and maybe you would thank me for the little things. But its otherwise, I don't blame you 'cause you might be having a rough time.

I don't beg for your attention, I don't urge for you to devote your 24/7. I just want you to say something, tell me something or share with me about work however, not in that angry tone of voice; don't take it out on me.

Maybe it’s my hormones cause menses is about due. Maybe I don’t take noticed myself but I am trying my hardest to understand and communicate with you even when you don’t say anything at all and when you put on that fit. And sometimes, my hardest just isn’t hard enough for you.

My happiness is in your hands. Though you’re not my remedy, you were once my misery. I pray for those days to never come again. I know you have your moments but please, I am confused because one day, you’re so loving and caring; the next day, you’re all cold and heated up.

#32

Let me ponder and wander off into wonder and I’ll find my way back again, to the reality I am used to. Just like flying to Neverland to play with Peter Pan and the Pirates.

My incapability of saying no has haunted me ever since I was young. I was afraid of rejection and I was also afraid of hurting the other party. Hence it leads to all the bad choices, the wrong turns, the regrets I have in life. Even up to date, I am still afraid.

The tendency to want and break free will always linger in my head. It’s not that I am too young; it’s not that I am unhappy. Maybe that little space in my heart aches from time to time, it needs to find something that would soften me up and accept facts of life that I am supposed to be where I am right now. From where I am standing, I have everything in life anyone can ask for. Happiness, pain, sadness are just part and parcels of life, everyone goes through a different kind of cycles.

Allah SWT will only put you through obstacles that HE knows we could overcome. Nothing is ever too hard or too easy because everyone is given a different path of life. From time to time, I get remarks and praises. I am grateful that I have the strength to go through so much, from my dark childhood to my delusional teenage years and now, adulthood which consists of marriage & motherhood.

Assalamualaikum.