#33

As they rejoice, smile and laughed. They deserve it; they did well for their exams as well as their OJT. Here I am, feeling happy for them yet I wonder to myself if I could have done better 5 years ago. Maybe things would be different but it won’t change anything at all.

I want to go back to school; I want to achieve more in life. There are goals in life I set aside for myself but, everything else comes first before me.

Pondering, wandering and feeling under the weather. Oh, I can’t help it but feel sorry for myself. But I guess, I have to accept it anyways. Like the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.

#32

Days like these, I wished you noticed, you cared and maybe you would thank me for the little things. But its otherwise, I don't blame you 'cause you might be having a rough time.

I don't beg for your attention, I don't urge for you to devote your 24/7. I just want you to say something, tell me something or share with me about work however, not in that angry tone of voice; don't take it out on me.

Maybe it’s my hormones cause menses is about due. Maybe I don’t take noticed myself but I am trying my hardest to understand and communicate with you even when you don’t say anything at all and when you put on that fit. And sometimes, my hardest just isn’t hard enough for you.

My happiness is in your hands. Though you’re not my remedy, you were once my misery. I pray for those days to never come again. I know you have your moments but please, I am confused because one day, you’re so loving and caring; the next day, you’re all cold and heated up.

#32

Let me ponder and wander off into wonder and I’ll find my way back again, to the reality I am used to. Just like flying to Neverland to play with Peter Pan and the Pirates.

My incapability of saying no has haunted me ever since I was young. I was afraid of rejection and I was also afraid of hurting the other party. Hence it leads to all the bad choices, the wrong turns, the regrets I have in life. Even up to date, I am still afraid.

The tendency to want and break free will always linger in my head. It’s not that I am too young; it’s not that I am unhappy. Maybe that little space in my heart aches from time to time, it needs to find something that would soften me up and accept facts of life that I am supposed to be where I am right now. From where I am standing, I have everything in life anyone can ask for. Happiness, pain, sadness are just part and parcels of life, everyone goes through a different kind of cycles.

Allah SWT will only put you through obstacles that HE knows we could overcome. Nothing is ever too hard or too easy because everyone is given a different path of life. From time to time, I get remarks and praises. I am grateful that I have the strength to go through so much, from my dark childhood to my delusional teenage years and now, adulthood which consists of marriage & motherhood.

Assalamualaikum.